Faith

A question that I struggled with yesterday was, "Are you doing anything that requires faith?" God always speaks to me through Francis Chan. I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan yesterday after having a bad morning. I went to an elementary school to tutor my kindergartner in the morning, in which was planned. I'm doing this for a class I'm taking. I got there and the student was with another teacher working on reading. I was kind of frustrated but continued to wait for him. When he finally came back to the classroom, it was too late to begin the lesson because it takes 30 minutes, and P.E. was in 15 minutes. So I left and have to come back on Friday. I also cannot tutor next week because of testing (even though kindergartners don't take the test), so I have to skip a week. I know this shouldn't have frustrated me as much as it did, but it really got to me. I only wasted about 30 minutes of my day, but it was inconvenient. Another problem going on with this same class I'm taking is that I have to observe a first grade classroom twice for 30 minutes each. Well, I haven't been able to observe a classroom yet because the principal wanted me to wait until testing was over. Testing is next week. My project, containing the tutoring sessions and the observation is due the week after testing, giving me no time to put the project together. I am behind, and it's no fault of my own. This is the most frustrating part of it all. This is beyond my control. After I fell apart, I felt like I needed to talk to God. That's when I picked up Crazy Love and read a chapter on faith. God was completely speaking to me. God's timing is right on the money. He never fails to teach you something when you need it most. I know I have been putting God to the side because I was doing everything on my own. I didn't have a need for him because everything was going smoothly. When I hit a rocky road, I realized my need for him. This continuously happens because life is full of highs and lows. When life is at a high, I am so focused on me that I don't focus on God, but when life is low, I realize my need for Him and have to focus on Him. This makes me disgusted with myself. I guess I'm just using God, which is really sad. He loves me so deeply, and I only give Him my attention when I need Him. I can't do this anymore! Another theme in this book is lukewarm Christianity. Can you really love God if you're lukewarm? I would have to say no. The world doesn't see anything different in me (at least right now), and I can't do that for God. I don't show love to everyone, but I am called to show love to everyone. I am called to treat everyone as I would treat Jesus. Would I ever talk badly about Jesus? I hope not, but it seems like that is exactly what I'm doing. I want my life to look crazy to unbelievers. Not crazy because of how I look but how I act. I want people to say, "How can she love everyone and treat them so nicely? How is she so patient? What is it about her?" I want to be like Jesus, but I'm more like Judas Iscariot or like Peter when he denied Jesus. It seems like I'm down and have a low self-esteem, but I really don't. I'm just waking up to the truth and realize the need to change. This is going to be a struggle, but God never said it would be easy. I know I'm going to continuously fail, as humans always do, but I have to give it my all. I love Jesus, and people need to know that, therefore, it's time for me to do something that requires faith.

-Christie